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Lesson: You have to be careful sometimes about using verbiage like apos;worst case scenarioapos;.

I got a hint of this about a month (or so .. ? .. Iapos;m not keeping score anymore) ago when there was some grumbling about one of my invoices. But the ownerapos;s taken it into his head that they canapos;t afford two IT people again.

I havenapos;t gotten the axe yet, but I guess that possibility is yet one more thing I hadnapos;t considered.

Gregg hinted that I could go downstairs and ask for an office job: Thereapos;s other things I can do like answering phones or dispatching.

Nope, this has been my security blanket for 8 years. Itapos;s been the one thing thatapos;s allowed me to take everything for granted because I knew I could always fall back on it.

I wonapos;t burn this bridge. I wonapos;t be upset. I wonapos;t be afraid. But if Iapos;m asked to go, then so be it. I will change my telephone number, delete my AIM screen name, and whatever happens in the server room from there on out, Iapos;ll wish them the very best of luck with everything.

So. I said I wonapos;t make a career move until Iapos;m absolutely forced to.

It doesnapos;t help that things are already pretty grim even with work to do here. Not having any work to do ... Well, I can accept that as things working out however theyapos;re meant to right now.

Kept asking which door I should close, or whether I should just close both, eh .. ?

Ask a question, receive an answer: Even if it wasnapos;t always what you had in mind.

Iapos;m going to be more proactive though: I posted a resume on monster, but I am not applying for jobs. Either someone will call me with a gig Iapos;m suited for or Iapos;ll sell everything I own (including the truck and scooter) and this time I will not look back.

In the meantime .. Iapos;ll still .. Keep doing what Iapos;m doing, even though I think the work optionapos;s days are numbered. Iapos;m a "vendor" so .. Whenever they decide they donapos;t require my services .. :shrug: okay.
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disabled kid

Next weekend, will be the weekend before the exams begin. Its probably been about 2 months since I hunkered down to prepare for these damn exams.

Anyway, in anticipation of the exams, unsurprisingly, this weekend was very much about studying.

But it was also about doing all the equally important non-studying things in anticipation of the exams, such as:

1. Getting a massage. I could probably have waited till after the first paper to get one but by then my back would be a hopeless mess of knots and I would be half-paralysed by then, so I went to get a massage on Friday evening after class. The next massage will be either after the first or the second paper. Weapos;ll see.

3. House cleaning this afternoon. I cleaned everything on the assumption that I might not have time to clean the house over the next three weeks. I laid out my newly washed rug, tidied up the sofa, re-organised my notes, kept away all unnecessary stationery, etc.

4. Went to recce the exam venue in Tsim Tsa Tsui in the evening today. I wanted to be absolutely sure where the exam would be held. After all, thereapos;s no point in studying for these exams if in the end I canapos;t find the exam venue right? Just as well I went to check as TST mtr station is a bewildering mass of exits and just finding the right one took GV and I a few minutes. Once I figured out the quickest route, GV and I then went off to grab some dinner. Thankfully TST wasnapos;t that crowded but unfortunately the food wasnapos;t great. Doubt GV and I will be back to poke around anytime soon.

5. Got round to buying my tri books. Very excited about this. If all goes according to plan, theyapos;ll show up on my doorstep as the exams are finishing. Iapos;m hoping to be alot more organised about my reading next year and hopefully this will be a positive first step.

6. Almost decided on where Iapos;m going to stay in Goa. Usually Iapos;m not so indecisive about where to stay so I really donapos;t know whatapos;s holding me back. I really need to get this sorted some time this week as it turns out that Iapos;m heading there at a super peak period.

And now, Iapos;m going to go roll into bed. This week is going to be crunch time.

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depression and alcohol abuse

Omg. Someone stole our notice board away on grad day.�=(( we all wanted to take our names first who stole the notic board away is still a big fat mystery. =(

Anyways, grad day was pretty emotional, what with the teachers making us videos. Esp the geog department. I think weapos;re like closer cus tere are only 56 (or was it 58) of us taking the subject. So weapos;re kinda a small group to lecture. Ms huang always called us dory fishes and martians. The other departments one were also quite funny la. Esp the GP�dept one didnt expect ms tay to apos;actapos; i that one. Haha. Good on you mate.

ahh~ we thought ms tay wasnt gonna give us anything. But she did in the end apples for apos;commonersapos; like us and apples and orange juice for the class leaders. Mr toh gave all his students a card i think. Cus i saw he had a whole stackful of it. According to hazel, heapos;s a cry baby cus he cried like 3 times in front of the choir, including grad day i think. All the other teachers didnt give us stuff, probably because they are quite.. Erm old. And erm must have seen quite a number of batches of J2s off. So no feelings for them. But we all gave them stuff la. A card of sorts for the other teachers (so happen that i only gave the teachers who didnt give us stuff cards only. Im so biased heh). Then ms tay and mr toh i gave choc and chewers respectively. Oh oh, and we took pictures with all the teachers apos;cept ms tay who an away right after giving us the stuff and greeting us goodbye. =(

went to settlers with the class in the afternoon after giving the teachers the stuff and cam whoring in school. It was a tragedy looking for the place i tell you. We went out of school at about 11 plus after 2 hours of giving the teachers stuff and looking for them and sorts. Then when we reached it was about 12 liao. Then stoned and searched for the place in clarke quay. We wanted to go minds cafe at first. So we walked...

and walked...



walked somemore......


and walked walked walked...... Till the bak kut teh ppl must have seen us like multiple times.

AND WE FINALLY SAW IT FROM AFAR but guess what? it wasnt open. Wow. Cool huh. Losers

then william suggested settlers which was erm... Kinda nearby. Then in the end it also wasnt gonna be open till 2 pm. Then in the end we went for plan B (which myself and a whole lot of others came up with while waiting for the guys at the bus stop to check out if settlesrs was open.) so we went to eat at the.. Whats that place called again? man i cant remember. It was this kinda like zhi2 cha4 place. Then we (us 4) and the guys (JR, William, ZW) shared like 4 dishes and 7 bowls of rice. And the guys felt they werenapos;t full after the 1.5 hours of walking. So they ordered another 2 bowls of rice. Then we finally received the call from joel and gab that they were reaching after consult with mrs ong. Yea. Joel didnt know what eu yan sang was o.o then in the end they were like lost and me and cindy had to go and apos;fetchapos; them from the mrt station. And we called gab cus joel dont even know where eu yan sang was and thought i was saying take the exit at apos;eu tong san streetapos; wow. -.- then in the end, when cindy called gab, he was in the loo and was like. I call you all back later that kinda thing. Lol.

ok. So we finally found them and they went to eat and we went to buy bubble tea. Was already like damn tired from al the walking and thoughty they gonna go home liao. In the end they still went to settlers. And we had a hell of a time there but the other 3 pang seh me and i had to play all alone with all the other guys. Erm. Zw, joel and gab. Saboteur-ed first. Then played pictionary and all that as a whole big table. So funny i think the other 2 tables in the cafe were qite disturbed by the whole lot of noise we were making. Nonetheless, it was damn fun and it was good class bonding time. And in the end, us 4 who planned to leave at about 3 or 4 left at 6 the guys (cept JR)�all extended their time till i dunno what time. Yay loadsa pictures taken. That makes a very happy shing. =))))

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dramatic choir

1. The boys will think im beautiful.

2. People will remember me as the beautiful, thin girl.

3.�I will be able to�see my beautiful bones.�

4. I will�for once be happy with how much i weigh.

5. I want to walk on the snow and�not leave footprints.

6. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

7. Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.

8.�Starving myself is an excellent example of willpower.

9. Only thin people are graceful.

10. Who wants to be fat?

11. I�want to be the girl all the guys look at.

12. I want to be enved.

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clinical child psychology and psychiatry

So we are going to step back and not think about the fact that I pulled an epic failure today. What would have been the second day of the fast ended with cereal. Gay as shit. But anyway, I walk about 5 to 6 miles a day, so whatever.

Am I the only kid within this house hold who doesnapos;t manage to fail all over the place?
I mean, Rachel leads people on like no other. And is now claiming that this 20 year old is her favorite out of ten other boys who are "on her nuts".. And honestly, sheapos;s known him for but a few days.. Barely a week, I donapos;t even think. Their first apos;dateapos;, he bought her 80 dollars worth of pizza and 40 dollars worth in movies. I donapos;t know,she has told several people that sheapos;s being cautiously optimistic about apos;thisapos;. But then, the next night she goes out to see a few guys. And talks about this other kid named Corey, and how heapos;s really cute but heapos;s quiet and boring and itapos;s kind of pissing her off... Didnapos;t she say she liked David? Or is she looking around for someone whoapos;s better? She may not even think or realize she leads dudes on but she does. I wouldnapos;t be amazed if she told every dude they were her favorite. Playerr.

And sheapos;s been taking advantage of shit; she started taking over liaapos;s cell phone like she had been doing to me a while back. Using it ALL the time, posting her phone number out on her status on geispace so that everyone and anyone can take it and text/call her. Telling people itapos;s her number for people to reach her by,etc,etc. Lia has to ask to use her own phone, and we all know she sayapos;s that itapos;s fine and she told Rachel she could use her phone. But Iapos;m just as sure that she wants to be able to use it herself, and to have it in her own possession most of the time.Maybe thatapos;s just me, Ii donapos;t know.

More soon.
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SOOOO Iapos;ve been a pretty lazy bugger over the past few weeks. I havenapos;t been to the gym since Vegas, which is now like 6 weeks ago, so I finally kicked my own butt and got out of bed this morning and went for a swim before work. I now need to try and make sure I remember how good I feel now, so that itapos;s not just a one off occurance [nb itapos;s also nice to do something other than inking - as up until now Iapos;ve been inking for an hour before work in the mornings and when I get in from work :P)

Had to make some minor tweaks to the first page I sent through (the penciller didnapos;t like my heavy line weights... Oh well) last night, but other than that itapos;s all finished up and Iapos;ve started on the next page. Iapos;ve started trying to use my lunch breaks to sketch from life as Iapos;m not doing much pencilling at the moment (and I canapos;t afford to go to the life classes), so the other day I sat on the bench by the fields behind our office and did a quick sketch of what I saw (will upload photo when I get chance, havenapos;t got a data cable here) - itapos;s the first time I think Iapos;ve done it since I was about 16, and was quite an interesting experience. It goes against almost everything Iapos;ve tried to embed with drawing comics in that I wasnapos;t constructing and working out perspective et al, I was just drawing what I saw and trying to use wierd ways of holding the pencil for different techniques as opposed to the crisp sharp 3H line of comic pencils. Iapos;m looking forward to being able to go to the class a bit more now anyhow.

Charleneapos;s had a couple of interviews this week which *fingers crossed* bodes well, so hopefully we might be out of financial dire straits in time for Halloween.


Oh, in less interesting news, today I gained a mortal enemy - Moths. Fuckers have eaten through my favourite merino wool top in the draw. They must die
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God. Whyyyyyy?
why am i feeling like this?
after a horrible day, i thought it would get better but of course not.
as much as i want this all to happen and i still have feelings for her, i donapos;t want to hurt her. I donapos;t want her to hurt like i did. I want to be friends, yet something more. But i feel as if this something more entitles me getting hurt over and over and over again, getting walked all over because i donapos;t know my limits.
these limits which i cannot identify consume my life, allowing me to be vulnerable and walked all over.
they step on my heart, like stilettos digging in through my back to my chest. I can feel it.
i donapos;t want it to happen again. Even though sheapos;s changed.
after taking her back twice and her letting me go twice, i shouldnapos;t do this.
i donapos;t know if i can.
i still want to but iapos;ll jsut get hurt.
WEapos;VE GOTTA�BE�JUST�FRIENDS�AND�TAKE�THINGS�SLOW. WE CANapos;T BE SELFISH TOWARDS EACH OTHER.
*I DONapos;T KNOW IF I CAN DO THISSSSSS*

one more bad day under my belt, and millions more to go, iapos;m sure.
konuch says be a duck. A duck is strong and can withstand anything, she says.
she gets me through the weeks, usually. Her words are advice which i can understand.
strong words=strong woman. Thatapos;s...awesome (:
haha. Nobody understands that part.....haha (:
gotta go. Better day tomorrow? letapos;s hope so.
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